I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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