Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
