barbara walters just said penis...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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