just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
