im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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