I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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