he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
