You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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