I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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