Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
