when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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