I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
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i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
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Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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