If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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