I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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