I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
