Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
