I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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