No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
