if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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