my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
