Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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