11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
