i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
