ya dads aren't the best wingmen
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
