i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
