Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
