he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
