My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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