Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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