Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
