my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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