She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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