Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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