So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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