Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
ttyl tear gas
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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