I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
