Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
