you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
