I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
