i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
