Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
