Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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