dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
