i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
