saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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