Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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