How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
