my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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