drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
