i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
