My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
