Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
What changed your mind?
Being sober
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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