Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
