Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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