And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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