dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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