She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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