Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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