if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
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My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
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P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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