just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
