hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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