turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
