My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land