Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
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I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
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Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard