There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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